My boys are competitors.  They also enjoy practical jokes.  They grew up competing with one another, harassing one another, and loving one another; but above all else, they had to come out on top.  The training they thus received put all future competitors not just at a disadvantage, but in absolute no-win positions.

Kevin Rich was quoted as saying, “It’s useless to try to get revenge on a Kerns, because you never know to what extreme they’ll go to win, or even if you’ll survive.”

That remark came from their high school days, and from events that were actually begun by a girl.  Kristen Thompson noted that at the end of early morning seminary each morning, Aaron put his scriptures in a certain place in the band room at the school.  Every other seminary student did the same.  Each had his or her own spot.  Kristen began moving Aaron’s book, making him conduct a search each morning when he arrived for seminary.

After one such daily search Aaron discovered who the perpetrator was, and determined that the best solution to the problem would be escalation.  He and Adam both early-on adopted the motto, “Don’t get even:  Get ahead.”

Each morning thereafter, Kristen’s scriptures were to be found in increasingly difficult-to-access places.  The capstone (and the end of the game) was the morning that she was told that her scriptures were double-wrapped in plastic bags inside a car’s old oil pan that was bolted tightly to a tractor draw bar under some heavy object.  Muscles, wrenches, and gloves would be required to get to her scriptures.

Kevin Rich was a spectator to these episodes, and settled upon a practical joke of his own.  Aaron always arrived on time to early-morning seminary, and had his choice of places to park his vehicle.  Being a creature of habit, as most of us are, he always parked his vehicle in a particular spot.  Kevin was also a creature of habit, and was habitually late to seminary.  He noticed that Aaron always parked in one particular spot.

The next morning, when Aaron arrived at the school, he found his parking place occupied.  Thinking nothing of it, he entered the building, and was met by a very happy Kevin who had gotten up early just to be first to the coveted parking place.

Aaron saw no point in prolonging this competition.

(At this point I must apologize to my readers and insert an explanatory pause.  I was cleaning up a several-year’s-old pile of papers when I found the preceding paragraphs of an unfinished article.  There were three notes in the margins about someone named Seth Bagley to indicate where my thoughts and the article were yet to lead, but so much time had passed that I’d forgotten the details.  Aaron knew the details, so I sent him the notes along with the unfinished article, and asked him to finish it.  The rest of this article is in his words.)

He shouldn’t have gloated.

I skipped a class and took off all of his tires and left the truck up on blocks. I can’t remember for sure but I think I left one in the school shop, one in the back of the truck, one I can’t remember, and took the last one with me back into the school. I was going to leave it leaned against his locker and create a treasure hunt for him but it took longer than I expected to get a jack and the right lug wrench so the bell rang as I was coming up the stairs. As I came into the north end of the hall at the end of the stairs, as luck would have it, the first kid out of the classrooms after the bell was Kevin on the south end of the hall. We walked towards each other. I watched as his puzzled expression changed to one of dawning comprehension, followed quickly by “NOOO!”

I smiled and handed him his wheel.

By the way, in typical Kevin fashion, he decided that it would be easier to just roll the tire down the stairs rather than carry it. The wall bore tire marks where the stairs made a 90 degree turn for the rest of the years I was there.

He didn’t park in my spot again.

Seth Bagley got a step-counter app on his phone and talked me into downloading it too. It kept track of your steps each day and also kept a record of the average daily steps over the preceding 7 days.  Seth went hunting several days and came back with an impressive number of daily steps. It also made for an impressive weekly average.

I beat his top daily total one weekend getting wood.

He spent a Saturday and beat me.

I went hiking with the scouts and beat him.

He changed tactics and started going for the best 7 day average. He went walking every day and included another hunting weekend for a top average.

I spent a week and beat him.

He decided to put up a weekly average that would be so far out of reach no one would ever even try again.  The top daily step count up to that point had been around 40,000 (on a 20 mile hike) but there were always 5-10 thousand step days that factored into the average, so the record average was around 20,000.

Seth secretly set out to get an average of over 30,000 steps. His first day he did 32,000 steps or so. He was excited about his project and told a mutual friend. The friend told me. The next day I did 34,000 steps. Every day I would beat his steps by a thousand or two. I would get up early and walk 5-6 miles. At work I never sat in a chair. At lunch I walked another 3 miles or so. I walked 5-6 miles after getting home and again after the kids were in bed.

On day 5 the mutual friend told me Seth was dragging, and contemplating adjusting his aim downward from his trajectory towards 33,000.

I was getting tired as well, but was in better shape to start with so it wasn’t hurting me as bad. However it was taking a huge time commitment to get the required steps in every day so I called Seth that night.

He answered the phone in his usual cheery voice and we talked for a bit. Then I told him I thought I could vastly improve the quality of both of our lives. “What if I told you that I knew you were walking over 30,000 steps a day and that I was walking at least 1000 more every day?  I also bet that it’s hurting you more than me. I was going to let you gloat and then crush you the next day, but this is taking a lot of time that I wouldn’t mind having back.”

Seth paused a bit and said, “Well to tell you the truth, I’m sitting on a curb 5 miles from home trying not to cry because my legs hurt so bad. I’m calling my wife to come pick me up.”